Stop Divorce and Start talking

First Steps in Stop Divorce & Prevention

Stop Divorce Tips - Talking to Your Spouse. When you talk to your spouse about things that bother you, try to follow these simple guidelines: Talk about your perspective and how the situation makes you feel, without being accusatory or combative.  Say things like “I get frustrated when…” or “I am disappointed when…” Describe your needs by saying something like “I need you to support me when…”, or “It is important to me that you…” Don’t say things like “you never…”, or “you always…”, or “I hate it when you...” Try to phrase your complaints using the word ‘I’ rather than ‘you’.  It is an interesting psychological cue and one you need to understand When you say the word ‘you’, your spouse immediately expects that an attack is lurking in the statement.   When you use the word ‘I’ and talk instead about how things make you feel you are coming at the problem from your perspective.  Instead of striking out, you are reaching out to let your spouse know how you feel. 

Stop Divorce - Listening to Your Spouse, Suppose you are on the receiving end of the complaints?  There will be times during your marital improvement process when you are likely to have to listen to what is bothering your spouse. Try to follow these guidelines and you will be a better listener, and avoid an escalating fight. Don’t respond to criticism by saying “It isn’t my fault.  It is your fault” or “Well, you are not so easy to live with, either” Don’t make excuses like “I can’t read your mind.  You should have told me”, or “I didn’t take that long getting dressed.   It was your getting us lost that caused us to miss the cocktail hour” or “You didn’t tell me it was your mother’s birthday this week” Don’t answer a complaint with another complaint like this “You never say ‘no’ to our daughter”, answered by “Well, you never even talk to her except to yell at her”.  Or this exchange “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” answered by “You never listen to what I say anyway.” It will be difficult, at times, to listen without reacting, especially if you have been married a long time and are well skilled at the ‘defend and attack’ scenario of discussion.   Just try to listen and not get angry.   You will have time to respond after your spouse has had the opportunity to tell you how they feel.   Before you can make yourself understood, you mustunderstand where your spouse is coming from and how they feel. Stay calm and take a deep breath. Recognize if you are getting upset and consciously try to calm yourself.

Listen ACTIVELY! What does that mean? It means that you have to learn to listen without formulating your response in your head while you are listening.  If you are constantly trying to decide what to say next, you will not truly hear what your spouse is saying. There is no reason you can’t take a moment or two to collect your thoughts before you respond to a complaint or a comment. Let your spouse complete their thought and finish talking BEFORE YOU STOP LISTENING.  And don’t interrupt! Don’t be afraid to ask for a break. Sometimes, the best thing you can do to avoid a fight is to call for a ‘time out’. Just be sure you don’t use this as a delay tactic.  Get back to the discussion as soon as you are both calm and ready to start talking again. Remember that marriage is a choice. You aren’t born married. 

Stop Divorce - You make a choice! To maintain a balance and your individuality in a marriage, you have to ensure that you can grow and thrive. Unfortunately, most of us are not taught ‘marriage skills’.  We have to learn them on our own. We may not know how to communicate with each other, or even what differences are considered normal. Like most human beings, you probably have a tendency to believe that everyone feels the way you feel. If you are hurt by a behavior, you may not understand why your spouse doesn’t see what he is doing.  In fact, there are lots of variables to consider. Do ALL men think alike?  No. Do all women talk more than all men?  No. Consider all the possible combinations of personality, background and habits, and you’ll begin to understand how complicated it is to apply standard rules to every marriage. Your marriage is unique and it is defined by the kind of person you are and the kind of person your spouse is, the things you both bring to the marriage in the way of experience and expectations. Of course, we would all like to be right all the time and to get everything we need, but that isn’t realistic, is it? If you really want to get your marriage back on track, you must both learn to compromise.  Pick your battles and focus on what is important to the relationship. You don’t have to fight to win every skirmish! Emotional maturity is not dictated by age.  A 25 year-old husband may be more mature in his approach to marriage than his 52 year-old neighbor. 

Stop Divorce